Mayweather vs. Brewer vs. Pacquiao?

If Floyd Mayweather, Jr. wants a real fight, he ought to hop in the verbal ring with Jan Brewer.

Mayweather’s recent rant against Manny Pacquiao, laden with racist, homophobic and xenophobic rhetoric, was about as malicious as Republican gubernatorial candidate Jan Brewer’s debate performance was dreadful.

For two individuals as confident as they are in their abilities, they really need to beef up on their communications skills. Or common sense.

OK, let me put on my Don King hat for a moment and propose the next big pay-per-view event:

The Fighting Philomathean Extravaganza: Pacquiao vs. Mayweather and Brewer.

Much like the quirky Chess-Boxing that was once as popular in Russia as speciality cupcakes are in the U.S., the Boxing-Debate will soon take the world by storm. After Pacquiao puts on his political stripes against the heavy-hitting Brewer, he can throw on the trunks and hop into the ring against the hate-spewing Mayweather. And, as a bonus, we’ll get to see Pacquiao go head-to-head against Floyd Landis in a drug test.

Insuring your body

Like any good hand model would take out an insurance policy on their prized tools of the trade (J.P. Prewit in “Zoolander”), so too should any person whose professional success hinges on the sustainability of a body part.

So it’s really no surprise that Troy Polamalu recently had has frizzy locks backed up by $1 million courtesy of Head and Shoulders.

Just as there seems to be a venue to place a bet on the most esoteric of events (how long Levi Johnston and Bristol Plain’s marriage will/would last), there is likely an insurer that will, for a price, draw up the preposterous  policies. Enter Lloyd’s of London.

So let met brainstorm a few things I think need to be insured against:

-Glen Beck from running for public office. God/Allah/Yahweh help us all … in the form of free xanex.

-Shaq from making any more movies. The policy would dictate that if he were to hold a roll beyond a cameo, the movie would go straight to DVD and must forego any TV advertisement.

-The Cubs winning a World Series. If they win, the mayor of Chicago (um, someone named Daley) will have the right to suspend the writ of habeas corpus.

-My grandmothers from joining Facebook. I love they dearly, but don’t think they need to post daily weather reports and mah jong updates on my wall.

Baby Joe at the helm?

How many office workers does it take to put Baby Joe Mesi’s brain to work?

Anywhere from five to 10.

According to the Buffalo News, the former boxer will run the new state senate majority office.

Mesi, who is no longer licensed to box in Nevada due to brain bleeding he suffered in the ring, has the political credentials of a high school student body president, or an aspiring one for that matter. I’m sure Mesi is a perfectly nice man, but a failed state senate campaign doesn’t exactly entitle him to a patronage job, let alone one that pays $70,000. Your tax dollars are always hard at work in New York.

‘Joe the Plumber’ Book Not Generating Much Buzz Locally – washingtonpost.com

‘Joe the Plumber’ Book Not Generating Much Buzz Locally – washingtonpost.com.

(Cue Nelson Muntz from the Simpsons): HA HA!

I’d make a few witty comments, but instead, through this wonderful piece of journalism, I’ll let Joe embarrass himself.

…

The only heat generated by Joe’s appearance last night came when a young man named Jabari Zakiya recounted great moments in American racism (slavery, annihilation of Native Americans, segregation, etc.) and asked Wurzelbacher if the “hegemony” of the white man in America is “doomed” now that five states and the District of Columbia have majority minority populations.

Joe replied that he believes “our American heritage is being torn apart” by flag burners, critics of the military, and those who mock Christian values. He expressed his admiration for patriotic immigrants, and said he dislikes terms like African American and Asian American (“We’re all Americans,” he said). For some reason, he concluded by saying, “America has always been a kick-butt, take-names kind of country.”

Wurzelbacher was scheduled to speak and sign books for three hours, but the Joe Show was over in 55 minutes. Total copies of “Joe the Plumber” sold: five.

New York to Taxxx porno?

Read Jenna Jamison’s lips: No new taxes.

In an effort to cut down on New York State’s enormous deficit, Gov. Patterson recently  recommended the state adopt a 4% tax for downloading movies and music from the Internet. And we all know what the Internet is used for most of the time: porn.

This measure would tax pornographic downloads, which could very well solve the budget crisis. But there is an untold cost: our pornographic freedom. What would our founding fathers have said about this? Didn’t we fight a war over issues like stamp taxes? So why should we put up with a skin tax? Give me nudity or give me death!

Not only would this measure curtail our pornographic freedoms, it could hurt a booming American industry. Do we want to outsource our pornography? Doesn’t a tax put us at a competitive disadvantage within the North American Free Skin Act? I don’t want to sound like a prophylacticist, but shouldn’t we adopt that “American First,” clause in the stimulus package? The economic stimulus package, not the other one.

We must take immediate measures to stop such tyranny. Tell your representative we need to say, “YES, YES, YES,” to untaxed porn before this issue reaches a climax — a legislative one.

Plug up the plumber

If there is one contribution Joe the Plumber could make to society, it would be returning to his day job and fixing the leak that is his mouth.

I’ve had enough of his dalliances in careers for which he’s clearly not suited — from war correspondent to economic advisor. Yes, Joe the Plumber was on Capitol Hill this week, driveling like a mongrel mutt backstage at the Westminster Dog Show.

In order for us to call him by his famous moniker, must he not actually work as a plumber? How many times in the past month has he engaged in his professed profession? Even if he changes his name to Joe the Potemkin Village Idiot, I still would not want to hear what he has to say. So, Joe, grab some putty and stop up that vile-smelling emitter of garbage they call your mouth.

Enough of Lincoln

While I am not fully schooled as to the intricacies of the Dewey Decimal System, I’m pretty sure there isn’t a category reserved for Abe Lincoln. Don’t get me wrong, I admire the 16th President of the United States just as much as the next American, but I think the media and publication world have gone a little overboard in commemorating Abe’s 200th birthday. Yes, everyone should know a few facts about the great emancipator, and not just that he’s on the penny or that he was born in Kentucky. However, do we really need to be inundated with books that discuss the minutia of his life, not to mention the hypothetical? By the way, have you read my book, “The Great Beardmancipator,” which talks about how our nation be different today if Lincoln had no beard?

I almost feel bad for some of the lesser-known presidents, like Chester Arthur (come on, you know “Elegant Arthur” aka “the Elegant Boss”), John Tyler (“His Accidency”) and Zebulon Archimedes (OK, I made this one up).

All the Lincoln hoopla may disappear soon after Feb. 12, when his birthday finally arrives. In the event that we are force-fed more and more Lincoln, I’ll provide you with a few other historical figures born on Feb. 12, whom you can lionize at your leisure:

-Arsenio Hall

-Charles Darwin (Maybe not, as he’s just too controversial a figure, so we can’t really pump him up like Lincoln, lest we want to devote a day to celebrating the earth’s 7-day birthday)

-Bill Russell

-Judy Blume

OK, that should keep your party hats on for a while.

A budget solution

In President Obama’s quest to fill his cabinet, he may have inadvertently found a solution to our nation’s ever-increasing federal deficit, not to mention ingratiating himself to the IRS.

Forget about letting tax breaks expire, or raising the taxes on the upper class; all Obama has to do is keep nominating people for government positions.

Tom Daschle, Obama’s pick for health and human services secretary, recently filed amended tax returns to report $128,203 in unpaid taxes and $11,964 in interest. Oops.

You would think that after Obama’s problems with a previous tax-evading nominee — the TREASURY SECRETARY Tim Geithner, who failed to pay some taxes for a few years — the transition team would have done a better job vetting future nominees. 

Maybe Obama is just being fiscally responsible in his choices; he’s slowly chipping away at our deficit with his indirect tax audits. OK, so why not just go nominee crazy? And who says the positions need to be paid? Nominate cities. Nominate states. Heck, nominate China. Just don’t nominate me.

I’m a tax-evading nanny

Dear Obama and Patterson administrations,

I am writing to express my interest in a special position with your administrations. You probably haven’t even heard of this post yet, but trust me, you’re going to love it. And once you hear about my credentials, you’ll see I’m the perfect fit for the job.

OK, so this new post, or czarship, if you will (Oh, and I WILL), dips into the realm of a bunch of government agencies, so it’s really important. This position bridges a lot of uncertainty that exists between governments at all levels; and it’s a bridge, so you kind of have to fund it. 

Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty: I want to be Chief Illegal Houseworking Tax Evader and Prescription Drug Pilferer Lobbyist for the Extramarital Slush Fund.

Before you waste your precious time and resources digging into every nook and cranny of my past, let me lay it all out there for you. I haven’t paid my taxes in about 35 years, and even when I thought about paying, I wasn’t going to report all my true income. But I have been a solid employer for my two nannies and three gardeners, all of whom are here illegally. Although my employees may not be citizens, I treat them as such, assuming their identities to feed my prescription-drug addiction.

I accept money from all lobbyists, so you see, I’m impartial. And I have to admit, I’m also an equal opportunist when it comes to my personal life. I can’t exclude any constituency in my sexual ambitions — that would be unconstitutional (I know my amendments!).

I could get into Page 2 of my resume, which boasts my lesser accomplishments (racial slurs, DWI’s, etc) but you get the picture. I’m so going to make you guys look good at the confirmation hearings.

Looking forward to your affirmative reply,

Ian

Take a bite into the N.Y. State deficit

As Gov. David Patterson closes in on his decision for what will likely be an empty senate seat when Hillary Clinton officially joins the Obama administration, the governor has a golden opportunity to alleviate some of the pain New Yorkers may feel from budget cuts. How? Run a state-sanctioned betting book on the choice of the next Senator.

Why let some Internet site based in Tuvalu operated by a British company under the Liberian flag rake in all the cash from eccentric bets like ‘On which day will Amy Winehouse enter a rehab clinic next?’ when the Empire State can recoup some cash to ensure that public officials like assistant spokesmen for school superintendents get their god-given right to a take-home vehicle and full-time driver.

Here’s how it works: Patterson should make his pick right now. It’s easy, just have him write it on a scrap of paper and hide it in a safe place (like Bernard Madoff’s pocket) as to avoid any accusations of a conflict of interest. Then, anyone in the world can play ‘Pundit for a Day,’ but with real money (and real repercussions for being, well, wrong). Let the cash dictate the odds, then pay the winners their due. When all is done, New York will have a new Senator, some extra cash and a new state lotto.