Oh boy, Alberto!

Will yet another Tour de France champ lose his crown?

By the time this all shakes out, the winner may in fact be the guy who came in last.

Several years ago, I wrote a column mocking the Tour, which seems to have a drug problem that makes Lindsey Lohan look downright sober. Here is the piece:

Hey kids, now you can play along with the pros in the newest version of “Who wants to win the Tour de France.”

It’s really easy. All you have to do is roll the dice. Come on, give it a try.

Ohhh. Billy rolled a four. That means he can get a blood transfusion from a sherpa of his choice. Watch out, Billy, there’s testing on the next roll. If you get a one, three, four or six, your test comes up positive. A five! Whew. You get to race another day and win a stage. Don’t forget to smile wide for the cameras.

OK, it’s Sven’s turn. Three? You look like a big boy Sven, so I’m guessing you aren’t afraid of needles, right? It’s just a little prick and it doesn’t hurt when you stick it in your bum. Need help? Check out the instruction manual. What? Yes, that person in the picture does kind of look like baseball slugger Barry Bonds. Is he bad? No, he’s a hero, just like you’ll be when you win this game.

Uh oh, you’ve gotta roll again. Six … that mean’s your “A” sample came up positive. Deny till the death, buddy, you’ve got a “B” sample.

Who’s next? Victor, it’s not your turn yet, just wait in the pack for a bit.

Francois, you’re up. One. Get out the bandages and the video camera. You just crashed into a rabid mongoose that mistook your wheel for a snake. You’re not injured, but you get more hits on www.youtube.com than a drunk David Hasslehoff and SportsCenter nominates you for “Who’s Not Now?”

Come on now Carlos, you sure you don’t want to give it a try? Fine, Marcus, you’re up. A two? The good news is you are fine, but one of your teammates tested positive for weapons-grade plutonium, and the entire team was outed as North Korean spies. Not only are you kicked out of the tour, but you have to ride a tandem bike with Kim Jong-Il in a made-for-propaganda afternoon special about how the French are anti-North Korean.

Bonus round

We’re getting close to Paris, boys.

Enrico, you just rolled a two. Let’s see here, you’ve got a five-minute lead with four stages to go, but wait, it looks like your not-so-clean past is coming back to haunt you. So I guess there is conflicting information about where you were during the winter. You told your team you were working in an orphanage, healing kids with leprosy and teaching them how to ride tricycles, when in fact you were somewhere in Virginia training at a football players’ house with a bunch of dogs. And to make things worse, someone accuses you of having him smuggle a pair of highly-illegal Day-Glo spandex into Luxembourg. Even through the boos and protest, you keep riding and win another stage. But when your team finds out that the bell on your handlebars is purely ornamental, you are booted off the team and sent home.

Oh, Carlos wants a go now — give it a quick roll. Oh boy, a three. Time for an EPO check. Don’t worry champ, you’re urine comes out fine — for a Koala with Lyme disease. You get sent to the Copenhangen Zoo.

Sven, you want to go again? A six. Your “B” sample is negative. You can either admit that you cheated or roll again. A three. That means your excuse was you had naturally high levels of testosterone. Wait, you don’t need to roll again. Fine, fine, have it your way. A five — the same number of shots of whiskey you have after your record-setting race, and the reason for the failed test. Sven, stop rolling, really, it’s getting ridiculous. A one. Your thyroid medication caused high levels. What? You don’t even have a thyroid problem. That’s it, you need to go in timeout — big boys don’t play this way.

Is anyone left?

Victor I guess you never went. Sorry buddy.

Well there is good news. You won!

“Who wants to win the Tour de France” can be found at your local drug store. Be on the lookout for other fun new games from scandalco, like “Sorry! I bet on Games I Officiated,” “Operation: Cyborg Baseball Edition,” and “Hungry, Hungry Doggies.”


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