Posts Tagged 'Football'

If he floats, he’s a witch; Trent Edwards and the Bills

How can you tell if a witch is a witch? Toss one in the water. If it floats, it’s a witch. If it drowns, it’s not a witch.

How can you tell if a Buffalo Bills quarterback is worthy of a starting position? Play him in a few regular season games. If he stinks, then you know he stinks. So goes the ill-fated history of Trent Edwards’ tenure with the Bills.

The Buffalo Bills don’t seem to understand that there are other ways of evaluating quarterbacks. They also don’t seem to understand basic economic principles like supply and demand. When there was a demand for quarterbacks in the offseason, they didn’t want to sell. And once they found out they were stuck with some bad inventory, they just threw it out on the curb for anyone to grab. Another write off in the endless “bad quarterback debts” account.

Weekend at Farve’s

When several media outlets recently reported that Brett Farve might have called it quits, there wasn’t the usual groundswell of hagiographic retirement stories that are reserved for those who heal lepers, cure cancer and balance our budget.

A grey-bearded boy can only cry wolf so often.

So, after the Vikings sent out their Farve headhunters to plead with him to come back, he’s back. Your five-dollar street-corner tarot reader could have told you that Farve would be wearing a Vikings jersey come fall.

As this saga plays out year after year, I can’t help but think that Farve is becoming addicted to the process.

But there must be a time when the clock runs out on his epical Farvian career, right?

It’s become such a farce that at this point, I can see him shuffling off this mortal coil, only to come back the next year, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, taking snaps to cabana music under the moniker of “Bernie Farve.”

He shall cast himself in “Weekend at Bernie’s 3: Farve throws more interceptions.”

How could you give it anything less than two thumbs up?

Tebow for T.O.

Quick, name four players who will be on the Buffalo Bills two years from now.

Stumped? Yeah, so am I and I’m a Bills fan.

OK, so the team doesn’t exactly have solid brand attributes. The player turnover is higher than that of a Junior College squad. The marketing department has been living off the team’s legacy for years, and pretty soon they’ll be selling air.

I don’t know if Tebow is starting quarterback material. But that’s not what the Bills would get in drafting him. The once storied Buffalo franchise would be getting a solid image.

Where would he play? Make Tebow the third tight end or a backup linebacker. I don’t think it matters as long as he’s on the team and bringing interest to the squad. Anyone who thinks it would be a waste of a draft pick should look at the “War and Peace” that is the list of draft-pick busts for the Bills (The ballad of John McCargo is the prologue).

A Buffalo draft automator?

Last year when I missed my fantasy football draft — for some a trespass akin to adultery — I thought I was destined for a season of embarrassment. Before I peeked at my roster, I did my best “injured Civil War solider about to go under the knife”  impression and pulled out a bottle of whiskey, took a slug and then stuffed a rolled up towel in my mouth. Fortunately, it was all for naught, as my roster wasn’t as dreadful as I had expected. The autodraft slapped together a balanced team, albeit one without any “this guy is the next Tom Brady/this guys is the next Ryan Leaf” picks. I finished my season above .500 and one spot out of the playoffs. Had I put any effort into the team during the season, I likely would have won two more matchups.

This year, I’m not  going to waste more than two minutes  researching for the draft (OK, so I’ll look to see who tore both ACL’s in the preseason, or who is suspended for the first three games … ).

I suggest pro football teams (especially my own Buffalo Bills) do the same.

For all of the resources football organizations devote to drafting, you would expect every year to be a total success. Heck, if you gave me millions of dollars, tons of full-time employees and comptuer software more sophisticated than what they use at NORAD, I’d sure hope you’d expect a good return on your investments. But why is it that most drafts yeild mediocre results? I’ll spare Bills fans the horrors of revisiting any of the drafts from the past decade or two. Maybe I’m a bit jaded as a Buffalo fan, but I feel like you are better off letting a dolphin run your draft, then using the money leftover after buying 50 cans of tuna to invest in other parts of the organization, like coaching and player development. You may as well hire a half-dozen shaman, witch doctors and apothecaries while you’re at it. Oh, and maybe a personal driver for Marshawn Lynch, one of Janet Reno’s testicles for Dick Jauron and a pair of tickets to the Canadian ballet for Ralph Wilson and Marv Levy.

How worse off would the Bills be if they spent just one full day doing draft homework? Better yet, skip the homework assignment and let guys like Mel Kiper, Jr. make the picks. At least then the Bills front office would have an excuse for managment decisions that make Ford Motors look like a Fortune 500 Company.

J-E-T-S, J-E-T-S, Atone, atone, atone

Where is the best place for New Yorkers to celebrate  the Jewish New Year and atone for their sins? One could argue it is in synagogue, but this year it may have to be at the Meadowlands. Oh this reeks of irony worse than Joe Namath reeked of manishevitz during his infamous farshnickert sideline interview.

A scheduling SNAFU that could be the plot of a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode is causing great agita for Jets fans and management alike. The Jets play on both Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur this year. Oy.

Yes, “Haven’t we suffered enough?” Jewish Jets fans will undoubtedly gripe. But really, this is more of an opportunity than a quandary if you think about it.

The clear choice for any rational Jew would be go to synagogue, and not out of a sense of guilt or religious obligation, but for the sole purpose of maintaining a modicum of sanity. This is a time to atone for sins, not watch your football team turn the ball over while you take G-d’s name in vane on every third-down incompletion. OK, so your rabbi’s sermon on Rosh Hashanah may not be playoff-worthy, and it may be a bit early to intone the old saying, “There’s always next year (in Israel),” but things could be a lot worse: you could be a Buffalo Bills fan.

Far(ve) from over?

I’m going to skip over all of the speculation as to the permanence of Brett Favre’s second retirement and lay out a few ground rules.

If  — or when — Favre selfishly returns to the game he misses so much (the game doesn’t miss him), he MUST play for the Detroit Lions and no other team. The only exception to this rule will be if the XFL comes out of retirement, in which case Favre can play for any of the storied XFL franchises.

After each reckless interception (which means every pic), Favre will have to play the following series as a nose tackle.

There will be no text messaging reporters about his comeback. The only means of communication allowed will be through his new spokesman, Joe the Plumber, who won’t be able to say much as John Madden will somehow mistake Joe’s tongue for a turkey wing.

If Favre comes back, he must play until he’s allowed to join the AARP.


Croppaganda’s Twittin’