Posts Tagged 'Buffalo Bills'

If he floats, he’s a witch; Trent Edwards and the Bills

How can you tell if a witch is a witch? Toss one in the water. If it floats, it’s a witch. If it drowns, it’s not a witch.

How can you tell if a Buffalo Bills quarterback is worthy of a starting position? Play him in a few regular season games. If he stinks, then you know he stinks. So goes the ill-fated history of Trent Edwards’ tenure with the Bills.

The Buffalo Bills don’t seem to understand that there are other ways of evaluating quarterbacks. They also don’t seem to understand basic economic principles like supply and demand. When there was a demand for quarterbacks in the offseason, they didn’t want to sell. And once they found out they were stuck with some bad inventory, they just threw it out on the curb for anyone to grab. Another write off in the endless “bad quarterback debts” account.

Cowboys game or a car?

After looking at a recent report detailing the costs of attending NFL games in 2009, economists might want to reexamine foreclosure and bankrupcy data in Dallas.

At about $760 for a family of four to attend a game (food, souvenirs, parking included), you wonder how many second and third mortgages people took out for a few hours of Sunday entertainment. The $5 hot dogs and sodas aren’t as disconcerting as the $159.65 average ticket. Granted, NFL teams only have eight regular season home games per season, but for the price of a ticket, you could feed a family of four … for a week or two.

The Cowboys were the priciest show in the league, while the Buffalo Bills were at the other end of the spectrum. For $303.96, you could entertain a family of four on a Sunday, although the entertainment factor is questionable. The tickets, at an average of $51.24 a pop, were below the league average from 2004, but then again you were mostly paying to watch one team play (the visitors).

A Buffalo draft automator?

Last year when I missed my fantasy football draft — for some a trespass akin to adultery — I thought I was destined for a season of embarrassment. Before I peeked at my roster, I did my best “injured Civil War solider about to go under the knife”  impression and pulled out a bottle of whiskey, took a slug and then stuffed a rolled up towel in my mouth. Fortunately, it was all for naught, as my roster wasn’t as dreadful as I had expected. The autodraft slapped together a balanced team, albeit one without any “this guy is the next Tom Brady/this guys is the next Ryan Leaf” picks. I finished my season above .500 and one spot out of the playoffs. Had I put any effort into the team during the season, I likely would have won two more matchups.

This year, I’m not  going to waste more than two minutes  researching for the draft (OK, so I’ll look to see who tore both ACL’s in the preseason, or who is suspended for the first three games … ).

I suggest pro football teams (especially my own Buffalo Bills) do the same.

For all of the resources football organizations devote to drafting, you would expect every year to be a total success. Heck, if you gave me millions of dollars, tons of full-time employees and comptuer software more sophisticated than what they use at NORAD, I’d sure hope you’d expect a good return on your investments. But why is it that most drafts yeild mediocre results? I’ll spare Bills fans the horrors of revisiting any of the drafts from the past decade or two. Maybe I’m a bit jaded as a Buffalo fan, but I feel like you are better off letting a dolphin run your draft, then using the money leftover after buying 50 cans of tuna to invest in other parts of the organization, like coaching and player development. You may as well hire a half-dozen shaman, witch doctors and apothecaries while you’re at it. Oh, and maybe a personal driver for Marshawn Lynch, one of Janet Reno’s testicles for Dick Jauron and a pair of tickets to the Canadian ballet for Ralph Wilson and Marv Levy.

How worse off would the Bills be if they spent just one full day doing draft homework? Better yet, skip the homework assignment and let guys like Mel Kiper, Jr. make the picks. At least then the Bills front office would have an excuse for managment decisions that make Ford Motors look like a Fortune 500 Company.

Glorious loss

“‘Tis better to have won and lost

than to have  festered in a state of mediocrity”

The words of Alfred Lord Tennyson may not have been indented for a comparison between the cities of Detroit and Buffalo, but we can borrow them for a few moments.

Detroit has a pitiful football team in the 0-16 Lions. In fact, the 2008 Lions are the worst NFL team to date. I feel like it is more difficult (in the sense of probability) to run the table in reverse than winning every game. For all the woes of its football team, Detroit, as a city, has a few other problems on its hands. The auto industry isn’t exactly bustling these days, and, well, even the mayor of Detroit become self-unemployed when he resigned after pleading guilty to two felonies. But for the grace of the Red Wings! OK, maybe the Pistons, too.

“Hockey Town” has sipped from Lord Stanley’s Cup four times since the ’96-97 season. I bet a nice swig of Champagne from a silver cup washes away the acrimonious aftertaste of Detroit football, politics and employment.

Those of us in Buffalo, on the other hand, can take comfort in our pair of perennially underachieving sports teams — the Sabres and Bills — neither of whom have won their respective titles. We may be remembered for our four-peat Super Bowl appearance (and obviously the accompanying losses) and the heartbreaking Stanley Cup robbery, but at least we didn’t go 0-16, right? And heck, even though our economy isn’t going to draw comparisons to that of China’s, at least we don’t have to beg Congress to save us. And our politicians haven’t been convicted of felonies …

And even if we don’t have a Stanley Cup yet, we have Scotty Bowman!


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